Mum vs Office | Wasted Maternity Leave

I have rewritten this post so many times, the worries and stresses I was feeling when I originally wrote my first draft seemed so minuscule. Manchester, London and then Grenfell. Every time I turned the news on my heart hurts and I need to cuddle Tiny Human that little bit longer. 

The past, I would say, month or so I have really been struggling with the working mum life, I don't have a high flying job but I do get opportunities not everyone gets. For example, I was offered a trip where I would be in America for a week, experiencing life like a local all in the name of work. Perks which make scraping by on minimum wage worthwhile. 
I couldn't take the trip as we are too short staffed in the office but it made me realise, I had my mum and partner book a week off each 'just in case' I got the trip. I had to get them to book those weeks off over a year in advanced. Tiny Human wasn't even born at this point. 

It dawned on me at this moment, I can never just go on a trip or a holiday spontaneously. I work in travel so look at destinations all day long, travel is in my blood. I love it, eat, sleep, breath it
Before everything has happened lately I was envious of Mr. B, he wasn't the one who had to go through the sickness, the pain, everything. He wasn't the one who had to give up working full time and then reduce his hours or even take the 9 months off. 

I worked a hella lot during my maternity leave, I have always worked and it is what I am good at so being home for 9 months and being responsible for a human being, I felt out of my depth. I think K was around 30 days old when I did my first 'keep in touch' day. 

The past month I have been seeing so many of my friends travel around. One's been to America and one is currently traveling around Asia. I felt like I would never have these opportunities, I just didn't have the freedom I was used to and I really struggled.

After watching everything unfold these past few weeks, it made me realise that I had been looking at everything from the wrong side of the glass. I couldn't just jump on a plane and see what happens, but that doesn't mean I don't get the adventure I crave. It's just a different kind, the family kind! 
Mr. B, K and I get to travel and explore as a family of 3 and get to see Tiny Humans reactions to the simple things in life, this September we are off the Weymouth and we get to see his reaction to going into the sea for the first time ever. We are lucky to live by the coast so he has seen the sea but in his world, he doesn't know you can actually go and stand in it! 

When I spent 9 months wanting to work, as well as look after Tiny Human, Mr. B. was at work wanting to be home and look after the little man, seeing him explore the world with wonder. Everything I was enjoying his was missing and that just didn't click in my head.

This past month so many poor families lives have been changed forever, just one night has changed their whole worlds. It got me thinking, you never know what is going to happen, I need to step back and enjoy what is around me.

I can not believe how selfish I have been for the past year. Although everything I do is for Tiny Human and has been for day one, I can't believe all I thought about was my career and how my life has changed. 

I wasted my whole maternity. I will never get that time back. What makes it worse, it has taken these tragedies to make me realise this. The guilt I live with for basically wishing away my maternity will never leave me.